!!ATTENTION!! IANS PIZZA IS GETTING A T-SHIRT CANNON*!!
If you are in our restaurant and hear a siren, do not duck and cover. Instead, keep your eyes on the sky, because it’s about to rain T-SHIRTS!
We have done some calculating (any econ major would be proud) and we have a surplus of shirts. Ian’s staff brainstormed and we thought, “What better way to get rid of extra shirts than to bombard customers with them late-night when nobody is expecting it?”
For those of you who do not know, we are retiring our (in)famous “Pizza Slut” shirts (insert crocodile tears here). To that end, we are trying to get rid of all the excess storage of Pizza Slut shirts in our basement. So you, our customers, are going to be on the receiving end of that giveaway! And we, the staff, get to be on the even-more fun side — the cannon!
Disclaimer: We will not attempt to shoot at anyone, and please accept our apologies if this does end up happening. We promise that will take care of any black eyes that do happen in this process. In fact, we’ve got bags of cold vegetables in the freezer waiting for anyone who does, unfortunately, get a big wad of t-shirt in the face.
But look on the bright side, you’ll get a free t-shirt out of this deal! Isn’t that what this is all about? A few black eyes never stopped those guys at the baseball games from stealing a t-shirt from the little kids in front of them! Why should a black eye keep you from a free Pizza Slut shirt? Plus, these things aren’t even being sold anymore! They are no longer being made! The number that’s out there, that is it! These could be worth something someday, a real collector’s item. Better get ‘em now before they’re all gone! You can pawn them at a shop after college to pay for the mountain of debt you’re undoubtedly accumulating as a college student in the 21st century.
Look at that! We just figured out how to pay for your entire college career with a t-shirt cannon! We get to have a little fun as a staff and you all get to pay for college. This is another all-around win brought to you by Ian’s Pizza!
*Ian’s Pizza is most likely not getting a t-shirt cannon. We truly are, however, retiring the phrase “Pizza Slut.”